Katie is my daughter. She is one of many wonderful results of my affair with her mom, Amanda. While neither I, her mom, or other family members had ever kept the affair a secret, we had limited the conversation to age-appropriate answers.
I was uninvited from a daughter's wedding (for trying to set a boundary) so I called Amanda and told her what happened and we cried together. She then asked me what I was going to do and I said, "Well, I was thinking of using the wedding money and time off from the other kids and taking Katie on that Disney cruise she's always wanted!" Amanda laughed and said I think she'd love that!
It was 2008 and Katie had turned 17 the month before so she was ecstatic about finally getting her Disney cruise. More importantly, it was on that cruise that we had our first real conversation about her mother and my affair. Since then, there have been other conversations but it wasn't until Amanda passed in December 2023 and Katie inherited her mother's diaries that we had a much deeper replay of those many conversations.
Here are the questions I've answered:
Daddy, tell me about how you and Mom met.
It was the Networld/Interop computer trade show in Boston. My company had a booth and, for this string of trade shows, we were pushing a new product called ScriptMate, a tool for automating pc-to-mainframe sessions. We'd already signed a contract with one of the biggest PC-to-mainframe board suppliers. There were two left to go and one of them was IBM and their booth was a mere 100 feet away from mine.
I'd already researched the name of the person I needed to connect with and knew she’d be at the show. After the opening morning crowd had abated, My CFO, Jim, and I wandered over to the IBM booth to look for my contact. I figured it would take two or three tries over several days just to be able to exchange business cards but I was up for the challenge. After all, scoring a deal would cement the next 4 years of revenue for my company so any slog would be worth the effort.
Standing across the aisle from the IBM booth I marveled at its sheer size. There were 20’ tall banners hanging from the 40’ high rafters. Each of the 10 or so business units they were promoting had its own “station” with numerous computers for demos and was staffed with 5 or more people. In addition, another two dozen employees were running about and helping the hundreds of customers who had wandered into the booth.
Jim and I stood for a moment scanning the swarm of people inside their booth and discussing the costs of running such an operation when suddenly my heart stopped. The most beautiful woman I could ever imagine was talking to two gentlemen in business suits, their brochure bags already showing signs of a growing collection of product literature. Jim immediately saw where my gaze had landed but more than that, he saw her stop mid-sentence as she stared back at me. Jim knew this would be trouble and he tried to distract me. “They look pretty busy, let’s come back later,” he said while tapping me on the shoulder.
I ignored him and we walked over to the "main desk" and, after a brief wait in line I asked the attendant for the contact name I had been given. The attendant politely asked us to wait a minute. While we waited, Jim lectured me about that beautiful woman and the threat she posed. I only half listened because, while she was strikingly beautiful, I wasn't the straying kind and I was there on business and wanted to focus on the task at hand.
The receptionist returned and asked us to wait, and gestured to where she wanted us to stand and where we dutifully waited for about 10 minutes. Guess who came walking up to us? Yep, it was that beautiful woman. She introduced herself to Jim first and then to me. When it came to me, I guess her handshake lasted too long and our eye contact was a little too intense for Jim's comfort, or at least that’s what his throat-clearing indicated.
I explained the reason for our visit and we chatted briefly. She knew about my product and said she had intended to look us up and thanked us for making it easy. We exchanged business cards and agreed to meet later but no specific time had been set. Jim and I walked back towards our booth and he started to say something but I held up my hand in the "stop" fashion and said, "Jim, I don't want to hear it."
I didn't see her again for two days and those two days were probably the longest two days of my life and I didn’t know why. It was a weird feeling for me. Emotions that I really couldn’t understand.
Time for Coffee?
It was Wednesday, the show opened at 10a and shortly thereafter your mom came walking into our booth. I was busy with a distributor but I instantly saw your mom and smiled at her. Her smile back was warm and gracious. She tried to stand quietly off to the side but various employees of mine (including my horn-dog VP of Sales) kept trying to "help" her. With each of their bumbling attempts, she would smile, point to me, and tell them I was expecting her. When I finished with the distributor I walked over to your mom and she smiled at me like I was a long-lost friend but all she said was "Time for coffee?" I nodded and off we walked. The nearest snack bar was at the far end of the conference hall, about 200’ in the opposite direction of the IBM booth. When we got there, I looked around for a place to sit, not seeing any tables or chairs, I looked back towards my booth, saw the coast was clear, and suggested we head to another snack bar even further away, one with seats. She laughed and said "Good idea!"
After getting our coffee, we sat next to each other at a small cafeteria table for four. Looking each other in the eyes, both wanting to jump right in but neither wanting to be the first. It was a little awkward, like teenagers, but it made the moment kinda sweet.
Finally, I noticed the engagement ring on her finger so I asked her when the big day was and she told me there wasn't going to be one. She explained that she'd come to realize they were just not suited to live out their lives together. I snorted because I fully understood what it was like to realize you were not suited to live out your life with someone.
She asked about my wedding band. I told her that no matter what I said it would sound like one of the typical married man's lies. She said, "Try me." So, I steeled myself and told her "I’d made a horrible mistake, was miserable and stuck." Your mom, seeing the pain in my eyes, touched my hand gently and suggested we save that conversation for later so we could explore it fully. I was stunned by that because no one ever wanted to hear my feelings so I searched her face for some sign that she didn’t mean what she’d just said and was using “later” as an excuse to push me away. Finding nothing but compassion and sincerity, I swallowed and then gladly agreed.
We then turned our focus to business and, for the next hour, we discussed opportunities for each of our products. As we were wrapping up, I sat wondering if I would ever see this amazingly brilliant and beautiful woman outside of work. I wondered where that thought had come from and, while I was struggling with my thoughts and, quite honestly, my values, another couple asked if they could join us. Your mom, always being kind and gracious, replied "Of course, we were just planning our next date so we'll be done in just a minute." I'm certain my mouth dropped open but no one laughed so I sat still, 
afraid to move, my heart pounding in my chest.
When your mom turned back to me, she asked "Do you have plans tonight?" I told her I was taking the staff out to dinner. So, we navigated that and our other end-of-day obligations for "Meet & Greets" etc. before settling on my attending a late evening cocktail party she was hosting at the Colonnade Hotel, where coincidentally, we both had rooms.
Getting To Know Each Other:
Her cocktail party was very well attended and I met many nice people. The next night she attended a late evening tech magazine party as my guest. Years later, neither of us could remember exactly which magazine had hosted that party but she thought it was InfoWorld because of a picture she had taken of me talking to one of their editors. Up to this point, by and large, our time together was mostly as two friendly colleagues.
After the magazine mixer, we returned to the Colonnade and stopped for a drink at their nearly empty bar. As we entered the establishment, she took my hand and somehow, it just felt so right. As we sat at the bar talking, I found out she’d been born and raised in Atlanta and that her office was 15 minutes from mine. She lived in Sandy Springs, not 5 minutes from where my folks had owned a house. We talked about things we liked to do in Atlanta and which business groups we participated in. Just general chit-chat. That is until we ordered a bottle of cabernet and retreated to a quiet booth in the corner.
Little did I know what was in store for me when, not even 48 hours earlier, your mom had suggested "We save that conversation for later."
Your mom started by asking how I’d met my wife. She was stunned at how fast we married and very quickly sussed out that I had married on the rebound. From there, she explored my soul. She didn’t just want my answer to a complex problem or an emotionally difficult question, she wanted to know every piece of my essence, everything that drove that experience. Every wound, every joyful experience. Even better, she would interject stories of her own past where she’d had similar feelings. For the first time in my life, I felt heard, understood, validated, AND valuable. In fact, up to that point in my life, I had never had any woman validate me. Not my mother, no former girlfriends, not anyone.
This experience was the complete opposite of how I felt in my marriage where I'd learned the only safe things for me were to become very direct in my speaking, very black and white in my answers and to not reveal anything about my inner self. Around your mom, I could be myself with no fear of being hurt, manipulated or feeling taken advantage of. I could breathe. I could relax.
Did Mom Ever Surprise You?
On Wednesday nights, a local bar in Roswell called Horsefeathers hosted a "free steak" happy hour. A few of us guys from my office would go. The steaks and baked potatoes were small but for the price of two drinks, it was a nice change of pace from your typical happy hour fare.
For me, this was guys' night, and we always situated ourselves at the rear/side of the bar which kept us away from most of the noise and allowed us to talk and enjoy each other’s company.
One night, not long after Boston, I felt someone’s gaze on me, like I was being stared at. I shifted around uncomfortably for a few minutes before deciding to casually scan the room. Seated at a table on the opposite side of the bar and near the dance floor were 4 attractive women and one was staring right at me with this very mischievous grin. I busted out laughing and, as the guys tried to figure out why I was laughing, I averted my gaze and brushed them off with a non-answer.
Towards the end of Happy Hour and before the DJ started, Jim, being the ever-conservative CFO, would leave first and Doug, my VP of sales would go about 20 minutes later. That night was no different. As soon as Doug was out the door, I made a beeline to your mom's table and asked her to dance. We danced the night away. Every song.
This became a regular occurrence. Two groups of people showed up, hung out separately and, as soon as Jim and Doug were out the door, your mom and I would hit the dance floor. We danced to everything! Of course, our favorite dances were the slow ones. It was just so nice to hold each other close.
What Is The 'Bad Hair Day' Joke?
At one tradeshow, I don't remember if we were back in Boston, in Chicago, or Washington D.C., no matter, I walked over to the IBM booth where your mother was knee-deep in customers. She noticed me, smiled, and winked. That wink always made my knees weak. As I waited patiently for your mom to finish with her customers, I noticed how she had her hair styled. It was like a ponytail with the scrunchie down near the bottom of the tail and some mysterious curls going up. It looked very casually cute.
When she had finished her conversation, she walked over and gave me a very businesslike greeting, which she did around her colleagues. I asked her how she did her hair like that and without hesitation she reached behind and pulled the scrunchie out of her hair and then shook her head to let the curls fall out. In that moment, I'm pretty certain the entire trade show stopped and I heard about 50 men gasp. I was mesmerized. She then showed me how she put the tie in by herself, then turned her back to me and asked me to part her hair down the middle. I did as I was told. Her hair was so thick and 
lustrous and I always marveled at how it felt to run my fingers through it. After parting her hair, I was instructed to flip the ponytail up towards me and tuck it down through the part I’d made. Again, I did as I was told and there it was. It was so simple, so casual, so cute.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to show it to my oldest daughter who also had long, thick, dark hair and who was always looking for an easy way to tie it back. As I showed my daughter what I’d learned, my wife asked where I learned that and I told her the truth “one of the women in the IBM booth.” Nothing else was said.
I told your mom about that experience and she said "First, she's too young for that hairstyle and second, don't take stuff like that home unless you're ready for a divorce." I thought about that long and hard. A divorce would not have bothered me as I was immensely unhappy in my marriage but I knew a divorce would have devastated my kids' lives and they were the only reason I was staying.
Anyway, "Let's not have another bad hair day!" became a joking reminder of when our two worlds were on a collision course.
What Was The Best Conversation You Ever Had With Mom?
Normally, when we checked into a hotel, we always got connecting rooms… those rooms with mutual inside doors that, when opened from both sides, turned two rooms into a gigantic room. Your mom typically made the reservations, one room under her name, the other under mine and she always made those connecting rooms a thing. After the reservations were made, she’d send me my reservation number and I’d call and pay for my room.
The first one of us to check in always opened our door so the last one to arrive knew the other was there. Even if it was "throw the suitcase on the bed, open the door and rush out for a meeting" the door was open when the other one arrived. We were doing between 6 and 10 week-long trade shows a year and our connecting rooms became our safe space. It was where we could be together as a couple and block out the world. It was just us and it was heaven.
On this particular trip, things were a bit different. I used some extra points to get us a "Skyline Suite" at the MGM Grand. We were both ecstatic with the huge upgrade and the singular suite. For me, it was worth the splurge because, this particular tradeshow, called Comdex, was the largest trade show in the world and I was to give a “software & connectivity” presentation and there were expected to be 500-800 people in attendance. It was a HUGE opportunity for me and tremendous visibility for my company. There would be tons of distributors, lots of press, lots of, well everybody. It would be a make-or-break moment and I was terrified. Bill Gates was Keynoting the trade show and his remarks were going to be about “Information at Your Fingertips” and my product fit well into that strategy which is why I was selected to speak.
I had arrived first, checked in, and was exploring the suite when I heard the door open. We rushed into each other’s arms and hugged each other so tightly. After some unpacking etc., we opened a really nice cabernet and settled into some lounge chairs on the balcony overlooking the strip. Once we were comfortable, she asked me a series of questions. Those questions shook me to my core and when I tell other men about them, it leaves them with their mouths hanging open, and if they can utter a word it is simply WOW!
The exchange went like this:
Amanda: "How do you feel about your presentation tomorrow morning?"
Me: "I'm terrified. It's a make-or-break moment for me and my company."
Amanda: "How do you need to feel when you walk out on that stage?”
Me: "I need to feel ready. I've watched too many people go out unprepared and suffer the humiliation of software or hardware crashes and that terrifies me. I need to feel that feeling of invincibility that comes with having all your bases covered."
Amanda: "How can I help you feel that way?"
Think of the power in those words. I cried. Right there on the balcony, I cried. I knew your mom had my back in ways that no one else ever had but asking “How can I help you feel that way?” The support in those words is stunning.
Amanda poured us some more wine while I collected myself. We talked about my fear of a hardware or software crash that would leave me on stage entertaining the audience with shadow puppets as they laughed and left, and the next day the press excoriated me as an amateur (it had happened to others who were far more famous than I).
As we talked, I repeated something to your mom that I’d heard years before, "Amateurs practice until they get it right, professionals practice until nothing can go wrong." I wanted to be seen as a professional. Someone deserving space on the global technology stage.
I looked at your mom and saw a lightbulb go off in her head. She stood up, asked where the backup disk with the presentation was, found it, and loaded my entire Lotus Freelance presentation (PowerPoint is what we use today) on her Compaq SLT. Under the influence of wine and lipstick, we ran through my presentation 3 times. She hit the spacebar on both laptops at the same time, occasionally switching the video cable from one to the other so that she could do it quickly. We had it down to a science.
The next morning Amanda and I grabbed an early cab to the Las Vegas Convention Center and followed the signs to my presentation. An attendant was guarding the door and, after verifying my name, he let us into what turned out to be one of the smaller presentation halls and escorted us backstage. There were various conference employees already working and with their help we got everything set up and did a run-through with the mic on. A bit later one of my guys showed up to run my laptop while your mom ran hers, keeping perfect sync. I explained to my guy that she was the backup and if my laptop crashed, all she had to do was snag the video cable and plug it into hers. I was solid.
The presentation was a success and my booth was overrun with clients and the press. Within months of that show, we had signed another major private label bundling deal, a global sales agreement, and grew our independent distribution to 25 countries. Sales of that product extended well out into 1995. For more than 5 years we reaped the benefits of that presentation.
Did You and Mom Ever Fight?
We’d agreed to go for lunch but we were meeting at your mom’s place. I arrived first and was standing in the kitchen when she came in. The door closed much harder than usual which caused me to raise an eyebrow. As she came into the kitchen, I could tell by her walk she was upset. She sat her purse on the counter and then looked at me with fire in her eyes and spat out the words “I am so angry with you!”
Without missing a beat I said, “Tell me what I did wrong and how I can fix it.” Your mom stared at me for a minute as she tried to figure out what to say next.
I said “Honey, you are the most even-tempered, kind, empathetic, and compassionate person I have ever known and if you’re this angry at me, I surely did something wrong that needs fixing. You tell me what it is and I’ll make it right.”
Your mom, never breaking eye contact, exhaled deeply and walked over to me. She stood in front of me and continued to look deep into my eyes. Finally, she wrapped her arms around me and said “You just fixed 90% of it, the rest we can talk about over lunch.”
After that, there was never a flare-up. No anger. No animosity. No defensiveness. If one of us was hurt, annoyed, upset, frustrated, or angry, we had a calm and rational conversation about it.
For those who are curious as to what I’d done, I’ll tell you. I can say things but the words that come out don’t convey the message that’s in my heart. What I want to say sounds good in my head and sounds great when the words come out of my mouth but the other person hears something completely different from what I meant. This was one of those cases.
When Did You Find Out Mom Was Pregnant With Me?
It was early January 1991 and your mom and I were at breakfast. Your mom was uncharacteristically fidgety. After we'd eaten and the waiter cleared our plates, I took her hands in mine and asked what was wrong. She looked down at the table for a few moments and then looked me in the eyes and said "I'm late." I could see the fear and panic she was trying to mask. I smiled and asked, "How late?" She said "Seven weeks, almost 8." I asked if she'd taken a test yet and she said she was afraid to know the answer. I chuckled and said "I'm not! Let's go!" We left and drove straight to the nearest drug store, an Eckerd's, and bought a test. As we drove back to your mom’s place, she vacillated between clutching the bag like it was a treasure and treating it like it was poison. Upon arriving at her place, we waited in the kitchen while she worked up both the courage and the need to pee!
Coming from the bathroom, your mom laid the test on the edge of the kitchen sink and then sat the timer on the stove. I chuckled, made a comment about that timer not working for the kind of bun she had in her oven (she rolled her eyes at me) so I pulled the egg timer down from the cabinet and wound it to 5 minutes. Your mom laughed. As we stood waiting, I pulled your mother close, brushed the hair from her eyes, and told her "We got this!" She responded by falling into my arms and holding me very tightly and that's how we waited.
When the timer went off, she reached for the test like it was a half-dead snake, her hand was trembling. I reached out and lay my hand over hers, I wanted her to know we were in this together. She picked it up and we looked in unison. There were two pink lines! I was overjoyed, your mom was in shock.
While an unplanned pregnancy wasn't on either of our bingo cards, we both had feelings about it. Terminating the pregnancy was NEVER an option for either of us, so that left navigating the fallout. That would be harder!
Your mom and I debated when you were conceived. I said it was Las Vegas (my presentation), while she thought Miami. Turns out, antibiotics she'd taken for a sinus infection she contracted on a trip to New York had messed up her birth control and that meant it was Las Vegas. The dates lined up with her due date. (Later in life when any of my daughters were starting birth control, I made them research that very thing. I wanted them to know what antibiotics would do to birth control!)
Did You Ever Come Close to Getting Caught?
Your mom used to love to bring you to your half-sibling’s soccer games. She loved being outdoors with you and watching other kids play soccer was just so wholesome. She also loved that it gave us a sneak chance to see each other.
As you know, your mom only brought you when your half-sibling’s mother wasn't going to be there. Your mom always sat one row behind me and slightly to my right. You loved playing with me and crawling all over me and I loved it too. It was great fun!
One day, your half-sibling's mother showed up unexpectedly and as she sat down next to me, your mom took you by the hand and said, "Come on, it's time to go." You didn't fuss or anything, you just said "By Daddy!" as you walked away. The wife looked at me and asked "Why did she call you Daddy?" My response was "She's little, she probably calls everyone daddy," she nodded, shrugged and nothing else was said.
Why Didn’t You Stay?
Your Mom and I were great communicators and we held nothing back from each other. That "all-in" communication style was what made our relationship so strong and so special. It takes a level of love, respect, and trust to make what we had happen and I certainly had never experienced those things with anyone else and your mom never had it in her engagement or with anyone she had ever dated. The funny thing is, once you taste that level of communication, you can never live without it.
Because we communicated so well, your mom understood why I wasn't going to divorce my wife. I felt like a single parent carrying 90% of the parenting burden and I feared for what would become of those kids were I to leave. Plus, I had the security of knowing you were in great hands and I would always be a part of your life.
Your mom had met my Dad, Poopsy, many times and she loved him, he loved her and he certainly thought the sun rose and set on you. While Poopsy loved all of his grandkids and he had no favorites, he doted on you more than the others. I'm not sure why but perhaps his knowing I couldn't be a complete part of your life or because he didn’t get to see you as often as he did the others and he wanted to give you great memories. Regardless, he had counseled me to stay married for the sake of my other kids, and, as is reflected in his letter to your mom, he later regretted giving me that advice.
Anyway, your mother wanted more and deserved more. We were talking about how we would end our affair and what that would look like. We were both devastated at the thought. While all of her family knew about the two of us, your grandparents certainly didn't approve. Your Uncle Jay was probably the most understanding.
So, after a few months of talking about it, looking past the couple part of our relationship and prioritizing you and thinking about you maybe someday having a full-time dad and maybe another sibling etc., we decided to break up. It was a heart-wrenching decision for both of us. Six years is not easy to give up.
In those discussions, we decided that we would be each other's "breakup buddy," meaning when we needed to vent and process our grief, we would turn to each other. Your mother was wise in this because grieving together helped us forge such a strong friendship. A friendship that, as you know, lasted until the day she died.
Each week, we'd sit together and talk. She always went first and would talk about what she was feeling and what she was struggling with. Sometimes it would be about the foolishness of getting involved with a married man, sometimes it would be a regret about something she’d said or didn't say… things she thought might have made a difference. I went next and it was the same thing. Occasionally I would mention my marriage but after our third breakup-buddy session, I stopped because we needed to focus on processing our own relationship pain without me dragging in my other pain.
Eventually, our grief subsided and our breakup-buddy sessions turned into co-parenting sessions and during those, all we talked about was what we wanted for you and how we were going to get there as Mom and Dad.
In 2007 Sugarland came out with a very poignant song called Stay. Your mom called me and asked if I’d heard it, I hadn’t. She said it shook her to her core. I promised to sit and listen and when I did, I cried.
How Did You Feel When Mom Met Tom?
Your mom had been volunteering and through that work had met a dashing gentleman. He asked your mom to lunch and she gladly accepted and called me to let me know. She talked about how they made each other laugh and how much she enjoyed volunteering with him. I was so happy for her and told her I’d support her in any way I could.
They went to lunch a few times, then to dinner. She liked him a lot. After a month of dating, your mom told her new guy that I would always be in your and her lives and if that bothered him, he needed to bail now. He said let's all go to dinner and we did. As you know, I was at their wedding and 30 years later he's one of my best friends. We text each other dang near every day, go camping together, etc. Your mom, as she always did, made a great choice and that choice was reflected when he and I walked you down the aisle together. You had the two men who raised you and loved you unconditionally at your side and all because your mom made the space for that to happen.
Instead of casting away an ex, or encouraging estrangement, your mom called everyone to be better, be stronger, to show more grace, more compassion and to just love more. Given her support and the freedom to do just that, everyone around her did and we were rewarded greatly for our efforts.
Did Mom Have The Poopsy Talk with You?
Word travels fast inside a close-knit family unit and make no mistake, after 32 years of co-parenting, friendships, family events, and hardships, we were all very close.
It was no secret Amanda was sick and getting worse. We all knew but I don’t think we knew how bad it was. So, to say I wasn’t expecting this FaceTime to go the way it did was an understatement.
It was October 26th, 2023 when we had our Facetime. After getting an update on her health, which frankly, shocked me, she quickly moved on to some small talk about Halloween and the upcoming Thanksgiving in Charleston with your in-laws (and me politely declining yet another invitation to join everyone). A silence settled in the air.
After a minute or so, Amanda cleared her throat and began the new topic by simply saying: “Tell me all the times when I have hurt you, I want to make it right before I go.” I was floored. I don’t know why I wasn’t prepared for the Poopsy Talk, after all, she’d just told me she was terminal and wasn’t expected to live past the following February and Poopsy had clearly shown us all the path forward but still, the comment shocked me.
As I wiped the tears from my eyes, I tried to remember anything left unresolved and, honestly, I couldn’t think of anything. As a partner? A man could not have asked for anyone better. As co-parents? I can’t think of anyone who could have been a better mom or a better co-parent. As friends? She remained one of my closest friends and confidants. I could think of no times she had said anything hurtful to me. There were no times she hadn’t kept her word to me. There was never a time she had disappointed me. I had no complaints.
Finally, she raised an eyebrow to prod my answer so I said, “I have no complaints. You have been a wonderful mom and co-parent and a stellar friend and confidant.” She burst out laughing and said, “Poopsy said you let him off easily, too!”
After reassuring her that my words were truly what was in my heart, I asked her. “Please tell me all the times when I have hurt you, I want to make it right before you go.”
She sat quietly for a few moments and then began speaking: “I think, like any woman would, I held it against you that you never left your wife for me and our daughter. After you divorced and moved to Florida, I was afraid you were just distancing yourself from your friends and family and I worried about how your being gone would affect our daughter. Then, when you came up for a visit and we all had lunch at Bahama Breeze so your new love interest could meet your Atlanta friends and your ex showed up uninvited and made a scene, I understood why you needed to move away and I began to let loose of my resentment.”
She continued, “Other times when Katie tried to meet her half-siblings, but especially at one of their high school graduations, with me, Tom, and Katie all standing right behind you, I saw how you were treated, it really sunk in. Given what I know now, I believe you made the best choice that you could make and, in the end, you saved me and Katie from a lot of turmoil. I didn’t appreciate that for a long, long time but now, I’m so grateful. You have always been a great friend and great father and you have always been there for us. I’m so happy that we got to raise our daughter on our terms and she turned out so wonderfully.”
I wiped a tear from my eye and before I could open my mouth she said “Don’t you dare say you’re letting me off too easy!” I laughed as she put on that mischievous smile of hers. She certainly knew how my mind worked.
We chatted a while longer before saying our goodbyes. That was the last real conversation we had. On Saturday, December 30th at 2:05 AM, her husband, my dear friend Tom, was by her side as she passed. I was the first one he called. I left at daybreak for the 3.5-hour drive down to Atlanta. The funeral was on January 6th at 1 PM.
What Made Amanda So Special?
At Amanda’s funeral service, the priest asked the 110+ people to raise our hands if we had personally witnessed Amanda perform a random act of kindness. 90% of the hands went up.
The priest was quite surprised by the number of hands so he asked random people to share their best story.
My story: Amanda had brought Katie down to Florida to check out FAU as a possible university. We went to Starbucks in Deerfield Beach, a place I had been to many times with my other kids. Sitting outside the Starbucks was an elderly homeless woman. As Katie and I walked past, Amanda stopped, knelt down, and asked the old lady when she had last eaten. The old lady thought it was yesterday but might have been the day before. Amanda said “Come on, let’s get you something.” and she helped the old lady to her feet. Inside the Starbucks, Amanda sat her at a table just inside the door, asked her if a breakfast sandwich sounded good, how she wanted her coffee, etc., then bought the food and served it to the old lady. Nice stuff. But what followed is what truly made Amanda special. Amanda walked over to the napkins and grabbed 4 or 5, returned to the old lady, and laid the napkins on the table. Amanda then took one napkin, opened it up and spread it out over the old lady’s lap, and said “A beautiful woman like you deserves to be treated like a lady!” Your mom treated even the most downtrodden and vulnerable with a level of dignity that humbled people and that's what made her so special. It was a core part of her soul to treat everyone that way.
For me personally, Amanda was the first woman with whom I could be my authentic self. I never had to keep my guard up, I never had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. She loved my strengths and supported me when I struggled with a weakness.
Poopsy once said to me: You have the heart of a warrior and the soul of a poet and until you decide which one is in charge, you will live your life in turmoil. With Amanda I could be the poet, in fact, she helped me discover facets of my poet soul I never knew existed... and then, I returned to my marriage, where my walls went up, where I stayed forever on guard, feeling unable to breathe, unable to find peaceful sleep or respite from the day’s battles.
Amanda’s love and friendship gave me hope for a better tomorrow.
My Final Thoughts:
Amanda and I were never ashamed of our affair. Neither of us could be ashamed of loving one another so deeply and so profoundly. What secrets we did keep were kept to protect others. While Katie was never hidden, I also never mentioned her because I didn’t want to drag her into the turmoil I knew would follow. Plus, her mother and I had agreed that Katie had the right to choose when and where she met her half-siblings. Over the years Katie tried on many occasions to meet them before concluding on my birthday in 2021 that it would never be a safe and joyous occasion and because their values were just too different from hers, no good relationship could ever form.
Poopsy was saddened by the ending of my and Amanda’s relationship. He knew what we had was special and the advice he gave me to “stay married and protect my kids” ate at him, especially in the months before he died.
I care not how you or your God judges me for this, I walk fully in my path with my head held high for I have been truly, deeply, and well-loved. I was gifted two great friendships, a most amazing daughter and a wonderful son-in-law.
Now, this part of my story has been told.